Day 17 – Avoid or Attach?

17 01 2010

During a particularly painful pose in yoga this morning, the type of pose where I was desperately hoping Rusty, the instructor, would hurry along with his count down from 10 to 1, however instead he slows down to make it extra delightful, he said this: During a race when you can see the finish line, do you relax and slow down or do you push and really get the full benefit of that race? In Yoga, during your last breath, the last breath you have in this pose, what do you do with it? Do you start to wimp out and move toward a position of relaxation? Or, do you intensify just for a moment  longer to really appreciate and acknowledge what you are doing and where you are? To really get the full benefit and work from that one position.

It should be the same with everything you do… Have you figured out if you have a tendency to one of the extremes in life decisions: ‘Avoid’ or ‘Attach’?  When you see the goal in sight or when things start to get difficult, do you run?  do you slow way down and lose your momentum? do you cling to it with everything you have? do you take push too far? What do you do?

Personally I think I’ve run the gamut… I’ve definitely run from potential relationships or successes. I spent my twenties avoiding everything. I was afraid of changing status quo. Finding love meant changing what I was used to – and I wasn’t ready for that. Miserable and alone was comfortable… Accepting status quo was easy at work – boring, but easy… something I was familiar with and I wasn’t ready to change that so I avoided and ran from things that could be good.

Until I didn’t. Until someone called me on my bluff and threatened to leave me before I could leave them. That was a wake up call. When that lightbulb went off in my head, something inside me instantly switched from from ‘avoid’ to ‘attach.’ From that moment on for the next 5 years I was ATTACHED to this one guy. Through the Good and Bad. And then I  became that crazy, lovesick, obsessed girl that everyone loves to know, but hates to be. You know that girl… The kind of girl where the guy blatantly cheats on her, but she is so caught up in what “they” could be, that she can’t see or won’t believe, what is really happening. The girl who constantly makes excuses for him. The girl that spends her days worrying about what he is or isn’t doing or what he wants or doesn’t want you to be. Yes. That was me. I even knew it was crazy at the time, but I couldn’t help myself. And I hated myself for it. Staying home just in case he might call. Making up excuses for why it was my fault he was behaving the way he was and why I didn’t deserve better. And to make matters worse, I was working for a company where a senior Director was verbally abusing his power over me. It made me sick to my stomach. Yes, that was me. Until it wasn’t. Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

After I asked for help and began to find who I was again, I changed everything in my life… My job, my home, my city… everything that would allow me to start fresh. And make new relationships. I now know being 100% attached to the wrong guy doesn’t work for me. So, I’ve reverted a little bit to ‘avoid’ to protect an rebuild myself. And, while I have had a few relationships since then, they have been stable and healthy. And I know being attached to a job that isn’t satisfying isn’t healthy either.

I very much want to find the balance between ‘Avoid’ and ‘Attach’ because, at the extremes, it is impossible to be really happy. It’s kind of funny how the polar extremes are painfully close – avoid/attach; love/hate… I now have a great job which I’m happy with 90% of the time full of opportunities for me to pursue. Now I’m ready for the relationship. I’m ready to find a guy I can connect with and love without being unhealthily attached to. This is a big part of my goals for 2010.

Our final piece of homework for this week from Rusty was this: Make your prayer be one of thanks all week. And only look to that which is good. Even when the bad things come along, look for ways to twist it just a bit so you can see something positive in it. I like that.

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